I'm excited. What will Rhea look like? Can I do this task of bringing a group of fragmented strangers together to become a family?

I'm not sleeping very well...

What's happening to me?

Who was I in the past. I was the boy who lost 23kg from 83 kg to 60 kg. It was I who ran home everyday, starved for hours everyday just to achieve this aim. I was the boy who diligently stayed in the school library, poring over textbooks and textbooks 1 and a half years before the final exam. It was I who risked my self-esteem, to push myself in the arena of faith and social acceptance with limited success of course.

What am I know? A shadow of my former self. I am no longer capable of this discipline. I have become less prudent, less gung ho. I need a new motivation yet I find none. I have become more susceptible to the sins of instant gratification its subsets such as procrastination and entertainment.

Maybe this in itself isn't a cause for alarm. I remember my old self, driven not by self fulfillment but the desire for self-acceptance and peer acceptance. But these things are behind me and if I continue down those paths of discontent, I would surely fall into depression and subsequent suicide. I am living a life that seeks self-fulfillment. But yet, I need a new fire, and no, it will not come from religious sources.

Today, I went through one of the most harrowing experiences in my entire LIFE! The day started in mediocrity. I woke up and set it bed with the same morning daze. But tit was when I went for dinner, that a combination of misfortunes led up to this event.

I went to the market across my road for dinner (which I seldom do, but I had to today because my parent went out). I finished my meal with glee, and distracted by my brother, I left my retainers on the table. Even as he finished his meal, and we left the hawker centre, I did not realise my retainers were left on the table. But soon enough I did when I got home. I spontaneously glided to the market with a tipsy heartbeat. How my aorta seemed so tangled to the point I wanted to collapse of cardiac arrest, but alas I reached the market but my retainers were gone. I frantically asked the cleaners around and i finally found the cleaner who cleared my table. The old man was strangely obstinate to help me, disdaining the importance of my retainers which will cost me up to 120 dollars to replace. I asked an another cleaner who told me that the dustbins were most likely lost. I was persistent and started digging my hands in the bin. During the time, I also called my dad to come to the scene.
It was only with some moral support, specifications from the male cleaner on where he cleared the rubbish bag containing my retainers and counsel from my dad that finally, I was successful in retrieving the item. The old lady cleaner allowed me to use some detergent to disinfect my retainers and said some things in chinese about being careful and stuff. I guess I have to thank these people to a small measure for this averted bombshell, but really, today I showed my character of tenacity.

Today I had an emotional, emo in other words, moment.

It was an uncanny flashback. I was walking along the pool deck. This was when I saw some boys in their swimsuits getting ready to swim. I can never help myself but to admire the toned physique, the rippling muscles and the overall appearance of health in those individuals. I always wondered... What is it like to be so fit, so strong, so svelte? What is it like to walk around the way you were made and to know that you are the ideal of the human physique. What is it like to earn the admiration of others just by being the way you are? What is it like to hold a high self-esteem? What is it like to run faster than the wind, to jump higher than the mountains, to swim faster than a fish? What is like to know that no matter where you are, you won't be judged inferior just from your cover? I felt ashamed. Again, I let envy creep into my heart. But in my heart I want it, and I wanted it. It was the sense of de ja vu.

There was once an ugly duckling. He had no friends. He decided to go to the ducks, but they rejected him. He spent many years hiding in the marshland, where he was left out to fend for himself. One day as he was swimming in a pond, he saw a flock of swans flying over him. He looked at them with awe and admiration. "How beautiful they are! I wish I could be like them." he said.

The story of the ugly duckling is close to my heart. Who else understands the ugly duckling more than me? A beaten self-esteem, hapless and disparaged.

When will the story conclude? I have a long way to go. But if I could have a twist in the story, I wish that the duckling had a swan to mentor him and guide his way.

Before OGL camp
I remember how excited about being an OGL i was when I first joined the council. But now, something feels amiss. Where's the energy? I'm just so languid. Something about the lackadaisical aura of the holidays has tarnished my discipline. I'm hoping that I will rise up to the occasion and be a great OGL along with my other two Rhea partners. I wonder how Audrey and Xing Ting are like in real life.

Can you belief my OG was originally named Vhimba?? Seriously, what is that!!?? But it sure would rhyme with IMBA!! haha. But Rhea has an unusual soothing sound. I only wish that Rhea would become Rheal.

After OGL camp

I still feel the inertia of getting back to school. It was exhausting, all the new friends and tiring activities. I believe that Audrey and Xing Ting would make nice OGLs. Audrey kinda reminds me of my last year OGL. The flag looks AWESOME!!! Might wanna add sequins before orientation. I'm just drained. Hope I can keep this energy level up during orientation.

As I laid down in bed... I reflected about the year that just passed. I asked myself, did I have any regrets. With a dreary feeling, I admitted that I had some regrets. I regretted not managing my time better. I regretted succumbing to the temptations of sloth and procrastination. I regretted not doing enough to make an effort to make new friends. For some things, it's too late. But some others, it's not.

As I heard the muffled cacophony of explosions that crept into my inner sanctum, I imagined the visual displays. But I laid on my bed, watching the clock as the second hand inched even closer to the new year. It was 2010.

Again, flashbacks ran through my head. There was a time when I was a person everyone would have disdained. I was once a person whom everyone dispised. I was once judged for how I appeared. But I remembered the hatred that flowed through my veins and sorrow that egged me on to craft a grand renewal of my existance. But how I laugh at the pettiness of old self. Even now I'm dispising the incorrigible state I was in. But I'm like a bag of scars that will never heal. I still want my childhood, my youth and my inheritance back. But I know that it is an uphill climb of hardwork dilligence and an open mind.

I left too much to fate last year. I slacked. I was burnt out. Can I revive that unquenchable thirst?

As I laid on the upholstery, I ebbed in and out of consciousness. It's a long way to go.