What's happening to me?

Who was I in the past. I was the boy who lost 23kg from 83 kg to 60 kg. It was I who ran home everyday, starved for hours everyday just to achieve this aim. I was the boy who diligently stayed in the school library, poring over textbooks and textbooks 1 and a half years before the final exam. It was I who risked my self-esteem, to push myself in the arena of faith and social acceptance with limited success of course.

What am I know? A shadow of my former self. I am no longer capable of this discipline. I have become less prudent, less gung ho. I need a new motivation yet I find none. I have become more susceptible to the sins of instant gratification its subsets such as procrastination and entertainment.

Maybe this in itself isn't a cause for alarm. I remember my old self, driven not by self fulfillment but the desire for self-acceptance and peer acceptance. But these things are behind me and if I continue down those paths of discontent, I would surely fall into depression and subsequent suicide. I am living a life that seeks self-fulfillment. But yet, I need a new fire, and no, it will not come from religious sources.