School officially ended last week and this marked the end of my time in my class. I would then be finally safe to conclude that I should have no inhibitions about sharing my thoughts about the people I have spent with for about 2 years since it would be unlikely I would not be forced to be in contact with the same people again.

My class comprised of 26, now 25 students 8 boys (used to be 9) and 17 girls. Already from the gender demographics you can guess what it's like. Out of the 25 students, all but me, one other girl and boy, are from same sex schools. Being coed educated all my life, I had only one thing to say - what a harrowing experience that was.

All-girls schooled girls have the tendency to cling together, they have never met boys, they are threatened by boys this except for the classical rich extroverted girl. All-boys schooled guys tend to go the other way. They've never met girls, they want to interact with girls and they're usually the first to get into relationships. I could feel the gender bias, I felt I was the only guy in an all-girls school.

Rule 1 in clique formation. The extroverts/popular people form the first clique. The first clique that formed took away 2 boys and 3 girls. One jock, one joker and 3 valley girl (typically rich, extroverted, erm bbtic girl).

Rule 2 in clique formation, cliques stick together. 4 girls were from SMGS. 2 girls were from MGS. 2 were Indonesian scholars.

Rule 3 in clique formation. Birds of a feather flock together for the rag tag leftover people. Incompatible people do not mix (e.g. two boys from the same school one jock one nerd). But this rule doesn't hold well. But it holds well with girl cliques, girls stick with girls, forming cliques only if the guy initiates.

I didn't get all these rules from a book. I discover these rule myself, both from my class and my CCA. I was never prepared to enter a class with so many same-sex schooled people.

I always wanted a guy clique to be formed by my hopes never materialise. There we're still 7 clique-less guys. But the class rep was pursuing he's own agenda of getting into a relationship. I tried my best to initiate group conversations during class but our personalities were drastically different with too many extreme introverts. The other co-ed educated guy preferred hanging out with girls. The Indonesian scholar was trying to enter the popular clique but failed to integrate (oh and he scares me and I get a feeling that he doesn't like me). The Malay scholar left by the end of 2009 due to performance issues and he was always skipping school although I liked his personality. And another Indonesian student was skipping school just like the Malaysian scholar but he was friendly. In the end, all that was left was me and Joel. But honestly he often got annoying when he started whining or speaking intelligibly (yes you annoy me Joel if you're reading this).

On the more personal level. I used to have so much hope for the class. I thought we could be one big group instead of divided factions and so I thought I could be empowered by the class committee to do this. I took up the post of assistant class rep to uphold the welfare of the class, basically celebrating birthdays, hoping to organise events with the committee. The problem was, the committee wasn't interested in going the extra mile despite me pushing the class rep for action. Nonchalance persisted, I quit during the middle of 2009. I still held the strong need to give recognition to all class members and so I initiated their birthday celebrations for the rest of the year.

There was a feeling that the class didn't like me in general. A reason put forward by my superior in council who was also in my class was that I had taken up a reputation of being demeaning and negative due to the reproachful tact I take towards Joel's annoyance. Or it was possible my enthusiasm towards things seemed fake. Or it could be because I was alienating my classmates because I was consistently outperforming them in the first year. I could tell it from their eyes and how they excluded me from outings. How I was rarely bothered. This was most pronounced from my ex-PW mate and her friend, my fellow CCA-mate, girl-next-block, co-participant of the oversea trip to china and other CCA-mate (whom my OG kid told me called me digusting). These people especially seemed to ignore my existence despite the commonalities we had. It was all too obvious when I could sense that my class was talking behind my back. Once my classmate would at the least say "hi" and now everyone started giving me the cold shoulder. I don't have the courage to investigate, but I did have the courage to bear with it.

But a decision I never regretted was moving to the back where I befriended the twins and my ex-PW mate. I finally entered a clique for the first time in 2 years (Joel soon follow of course, he's a very loyal friend). Late, but not too late. While it took awhile for them as extreme introverts to open up (especially to overcome the bias against boy's being from all girl schools), they were forthcoming and invited me to an ECP outing. I appreciate their company. They also shared a similar feelings towards the class and I thought it was encouraging that I was not alone.

On the last day of school, while the rest of the class were camwhoring and subsequently went out for a last class outing in a superficial show of unity, it was no wonder that me, twins, Joel and my ex-PW mate were no where to be found. We were enjoying our hotpot at Illuma. Pity that my ex-PW was still recovering from her flu otherwise she could have eaten more.

While perhaps I started on the wrong note, I admit I was probably overzealous, but i tried my best. After all I did for the class, ensuring that their birthdays were celebrated, they could never give me the acceptance and inclusion I wanted so much. While my negative emotions towards them could be justified, I'm glad I took whatever opportunity I had left to make new friends.

I don't think I can make it. I'm mentally prepared to retake the 'A's during NS. I wanna go to medical school. I want to have my ideal dream and I'm gonna fight for it. But reality gives me a big fat slap in the face. Econs is going to drag me to hell and I don't know how to stop the descend. But at least I've got friends equally lost with me. At least I know I do not fight alone. But we've got little time. 35 days to be exact and thats a mere 5 weeks.

Sure I'm done with chemistry basic revision and bio is going to be a breeze, but I know math will take a while. Econs is going to take even longer.

Everyday is dreary and I grow weary of life. And something tells me life isn't going to get any better. I may end up working like a slave for the rest of my life. With property prices sky high I'm going to be ridden with debt in my thirties when I buy my own flat. I will probably never find true love no matter how much I dream of it, because it does not exist for me in my society. I will live alone in my HDB flat for the rest of my life. When I'm old there will be no one to care for me and will register myself into an old folks' home. When I die, no one will be at my funeral. And in the grave, I will rot under an unmarked grave, forgotten in the sands of time.

I wish something would just save me from this ignominous destiny. Killer litter? Traffic accident? Electrocution by lightning? Drowning? Heart attack/Stroke? I can't save myself, I fear pain but I'm not afraid to die.