As I heard this phrase from Avril Lavigne, I could almost feel a sorrow well up in my throat. I'm not over it.

What am I really worth?

My dreams have been smashed to itty bitty pieces and in it's place is a faux ambition. Something I had contrived as a second best to what would have been my fairytale ending. I worked so hard from my depths of despair. I used to be worthless, ugly, fat and stupid. A complete good for nothing. But I polished myself, changed myself, refined myself, conformed myself for one sole ambition. I devoted my life to the attainment of academic excellence and crafted a portfolio I hoped would be my ticket into a lifetime of meaning.

Now that it's gone, all is left are the remnants of a soulless being. Someone ravaged by parental neglect and innate flaws.

I always feel socially inadequate where ever I go. I was talentless, uncool and ignorant. I took a lot of effort to keep up with the Jones's in secondary 3 when I realised what was wrong with myself. I was always the quiet one, the one forgotten, the one no one really talked to. No one even cared about my birthday. As much as a lot has changed, the scars are indelible. I have no happy childhood memories. Pokemon, Digimon, Harry Potter: I can only remember the tears I shed to no avail for a PS, a gameboy, a digivice. My dad never taught me sports. I know nothing about soccer, basketball or F1 racing. Likewise, I never made friends with these interests and could never break out of this vicious cycle. In fact, my parents actively barred me from sports CCAs. And without the fundamentals of sports I could not enter the sporting fraternity in my later education. Forever with is the inflexibility of my limbs and the battle scars I sustained in my fight against obesity. I looked at my peers who could play the piano and guitar, sing, dance, do sports so naturally, learn languages and whatever they wished. I feel so helpless. My parents would never oblige into financing my pursuits and I myself I am easily discourage (because my parents never gave support). Perhaps I lack confidence after all, maybe that's why everyone reject me.

I remain so jealous of my christian friends who can hold on to false hope in times of dejection. I have none. The price to pay for seeing the stark truth.

Envy I have for those who have the freedom to love. For I who never felt the love of my parents or the delusional love from religion am scared of love and affection despite yearning for it. I probably would have to hide in the shadows for no one will accept me for who I am.

What hope have I to hold on to?

I don't really want a life of luxury. I want a simple life far removed from the competitiveness and hustle and bustle of commerce. I want to surround myself in science and a believe in giving to society at all cost. Yet I want to live in solitude in an isolated room where I can let my solitary nature truly blossom. I would even die for my country if I had my dream ambition.

I feel sometimes like I have no real friends, no real family, no real worth and no real freedom. Would it matter if I were to cease in existence tomorrow. If tomorrow lies no happiness, is that a life worth living. If I were to be taken away tomorrow, I would gladly accept my fate for I see no value in a life of unhappiness. But I will never seek it, for life is the essence of hope.