As the river flows...

I'm still fat inside

2011-09-11T10:39:00.002+08:00

I was always the big paunchy one in class. But the tables turned in 2008. I remembered the day I looked in the mirror. I saw the sorry state I was in: the ripples on my skin, the mountainous folds that traversed my body like the Alps, the asymmetry of ugliness. As I laid back down on my bed, I could feel the gargantuan burden press down upon myself, almost asphyxiating me. I could feel my heartbeats as they seemed strained and torpid. I took up my hand mirror and looked at myself. The folds the dangled beneath my chin were accentuated by the forces of gravity. I could see ever pore of my face like craggy terrain. Yet I could see a beautiful face, buried in that sea of lipids. I was a travesty of a human being.
Everyday as I went to school. I saw them play. I saw him play. I saw them jump about like frisky gregarious lambs. What did it feel like to be part of a flock? What did it feel like to be unbound by the shackles of gravity. What did it feel like to not be consumed with thoughts of morbidity? I became increasingly consumed by the thoughts of desire. This burning passion possessed me.

Two years on, I am near the pinnacle of what I envisioned. But deep inside me is still etched the deep insecurities of that fat boy. Until I achieve a near zero fat percentage and an iron body. I will not be satisfied.

So much for my happy ending

2011-06-14T00:03:00.004+08:00

As I heard this phrase from Avril Lavigne, I could almost feel a sorrow well up in my throat. I'm not over it.

What am I really worth?

My dreams have been smashed to itty bitty pieces and in it's place is a faux ambition. Something I had contrived as a second best to what would have been my fairytale ending. I worked so hard from my depths of despair. I used to be worthless, ugly, fat and stupid. A complete good for nothing. But I polished myself, changed myself, refined myself, conformed myself for one sole ambition. I devoted my life to the attainment of academic excellence and crafted a portfolio I hoped would be my ticket into a lifetime of meaning.

Now that it's gone, all is left are the remnants of a soulless being. Someone ravaged by parental neglect and innate flaws.

I always feel socially inadequate where ever I go. I was talentless, uncool and ignorant. I took a lot of effort to keep up with the Jones's in secondary 3 when I realised what was wrong with myself. I was always the quiet one, the one forgotten, the one no one really talked to. No one even cared about my birthday. As much as a lot has changed, the scars are indelible. I have no happy childhood memories. Pokemon, Digimon, Harry Potter: I can only remember the tears I shed to no avail for a PS, a gameboy, a digivice. My dad never taught me sports. I know nothing about soccer, basketball or F1 racing. Likewise, I never made friends with these interests and could never break out of this vicious cycle. In fact, my parents actively barred me from sports CCAs. And without the fundamentals of sports I could not enter the sporting fraternity in my later education. Forever with is the inflexibility of my limbs and the battle scars I sustained in my fight against obesity. I looked at my peers who could play the piano and guitar, sing, dance, do sports so naturally, learn languages and whatever they wished. I feel so helpless. My parents would never oblige into financing my pursuits and I myself I am easily discourage (because my parents never gave support). Perhaps I lack confidence after all, maybe that's why everyone reject me.

I remain so jealous of my christian friends who can hold on to false hope in times of dejection. I have none. The price to pay for seeing the stark truth.

Envy I have for those who have the freedom to love. For I who never felt the love of my parents or the delusional love from religion am scared of love and affection despite yearning for it. I probably would have to hide in the shadows for no one will accept me for who I am.

What hope have I to hold on to?

I don't really want a life of luxury. I want a simple life far removed from the competitiveness and hustle and bustle of commerce. I want to surround myself in science and a believe in giving to society at all cost. Yet I want to live in solitude in an isolated room where I can let my solitary nature truly blossom. I would even die for my country if I had my dream ambition.

I feel sometimes like I have no real friends, no real family, no real worth and no real freedom. Would it matter if I were to cease in existence tomorrow. If tomorrow lies no happiness, is that a life worth living. If I were to be taken away tomorrow, I would gladly accept my fate for I see no value in a life of unhappiness. But I will never seek it, for life is the essence of hope.

I dreamed a dream... But now it is gone...

2011-05-26T12:00:00.002+08:00

I have always dreamed of being a doctor. But alas, today I know that dreams never come true for me.
I applied to YLLSoM during the application period and was shortlisted for the essay and interview round. I remember studying really hard for the interview and the essay in my bunk day after day.
Soon after I was left with the agonising wait. On the 13th of May, I heard that the admissions results were released. My medical attachment friends and a classmate got in. But as for me, my status remained "processing". My heart sank. I hoped desperately that I had been wait listed.
On the monday of that week, I sat at Jurong Point downcast and dejected. I pondered over my chances and bleary eyed I gave myself a sense of false hope.
Hope left me yesterday the 25th of May. My application status changed to processed. I was rejected.
I still remain adamant that I am deserving of a place in YLLSoM. I built my knowledge around medicine, taking H3 Biology and even winning a Biology essay competition. I joined the students' council and the interact club outof building a compassionated spirit in myself. These things I have done for naught.
And yet I know my classmate never wanted to do medicine, never had this field of accomplishments and yet managed to gain entry into YLLSoM. I am happy for him, but I'm upset by the unfairness of the way the interviewers accessed me.
I know another person who was my ex-classmate several times who got into medicine. He did not even have 3 H2 distinctions. But worst off, he had long been known to be someone who looked down on the weak and "uncool". He was someone I knew would never have compassion for the poor and the downtrodden whom will be the patients he will have to care for in future.
I am not alone though. All the 3 people I knew who went to my interview room did not gain entry into YLLSoM. All of them had portfolios just or more outstanding than mine. My bunk mate had 7 distinctions and track and field achievements. My friend had 8 distinctions but not many non-academic achievements. But I believe that my friend, with his gentle demeanour and superior intellect would have made an excellent doctor.
I have lost faith in YLLSoM's admissions criteria and the ability of local doctors to deliver quality healthcare to us, because doctors that lack the passion and the compassion will never have their patient's interest at heart.
Even if YLLSoM were to accept me tomorrow, I will think twice. Do I want to be in a community that is build on elitism and cronyism? Do I want to work with people whom I know will not share the same values as I? But knowing myself, I would say yes.

Blessings from my elder

2011-04-25T01:51:00.002+08:00

Last night my grandfather passed away suddenly of a cardiac arrest, collapsing in the kitchen while getting a drink. It was a sudden and unanticipated event for he never showed signs of physical duress.

When I woke up that morning, the news that broke to me send me into an emotional plunge, a silent dread. I had feared this day would come. Of all my grandparents, I loved Ah Gong the most. My paternal grandfather died when I was very young. My paternal grandmother spoke only teochew and so I could not truly communicate with her. Popo too passed away at an age when I was too young to understand the adult world and she too had a communication barrier with my generation. Ah Gong was my only friend from that generation.

I remember him as the most generous and jovial grandparent. I remember how twice, I stayed with him at the unit in Pasir Ris because I could play computer there without my mum's interference. He would bring me out daily and joked "this is the life of a bachelor". I remember how he was incredibly susceptible to my pestering. He accommodated nearly all of my demands.

I remember how I pestered him to watch a movie with me to his dread of course (he slept during the movie and I wasn't very pleased with that XD)and after that we went for a sakae sushi buffet (I'm demanding huh?) and he didn't eat a lot (I wasn't very pleased with that either XD). But at the end of the day I loved how he wasn't stingy like my mum and dad. For the first time I felt pampered. This wasn't the end of his generosity. I remember how he spent 30 dollars on my bermudas (of which I still have the dark blue shorts, I donated the light blue one because it was too gaudy sorry ah gong)out of his own initiative because he was concerned I had not enough clothes for my stayover. He was the one who bought me the harry potter DVD in a time when I was under witch hunting laws in my own home. Yes, my parents banned harry potter because they deemed was occult. I remembered how it was going to be my mothers birthday and I suggest to my grandpa to buy an pair of gold earrings for me to give my mum as a present. A mere suggestion became reality. I felt and still feel bad for making Ah Gong spent so much on me. Yet, I am glad I did so, as now I have things to remember him by.

I remember listening to Ah Gong when we were on the train. He was the one who taught me about how the protestant church was founded from the catholic church. This piece of knowledge I cited very often in my future pro-atheistic rhetoric. I remembered how I asked him whether he believed in the afterlife. But I have forgotten his answer.

Something my mum wouldn't be pleased to hear. It was ah gong who taught me how to shade 4D. I stupidly shaded the same number 34 on 2 tickets because it was my favourite number. Ah gong chided me after he found out.

Ah Gong is someone who will be deeply etched in my mind. When I ask myself why I want to be a doctor, I will always flash back to this moment in time where we stood in front of popo's coffin and tears flowed down his cheeks. I remembered his sniffles of sadness when we visited Popo's ashes and my great grandmother's grave. Seeing the helplessness of grief make a grown man tear brought a trembling through my heart. It is the insurmountable certainty of death that frightened me. I wanted to fight it. Today I stood before his serene face, tears welled up in my eyes, but I didn't tear. I will not fall into depression because of grief.

I however regret that I passed on the chance to see him one last last time because of my medical school interviews. That night, I received $15 instead of the usual $10. I felt guilty. Was he telling me that he wanted me to visit him? (It cannot because we just saw each other at his birthday on 1st April) Like an ominous sign of what was to come, I felt a shiver down my spine which I shrugged off. It was however, not the only sign. My energizer torchlight which he bought me spoiled the week of his departure (ie last week). All these years, I've received $10 every time I visited ah gong. I never understood why he would give us that (then big) amount money. It always meant a lot to me for my allowance was miserably low.

Today, my mother told me why. That $10 symbolised his blessings to me. To him, $10 was a pittance (trust me I know because he was carrying a $40k cheque when we went to raffles place). But to me, it meant a lot more spending power as a kid. I felt comforted by this symbolism. By giving to us, it felt like I was receiving a part of him.

Dear Ah Gong, I will remember you to my own deathbed.

SC3ne kids no more

2010-10-20T22:39:00.002+08:00

School officially ended last week and this marked the end of my time in my class. I would then be finally safe to conclude that I should have no inhibitions about sharing my thoughts about the people I have spent with for about 2 years since it would be unlikely I would not be forced to be in contact with the same people again.

My class comprised of 26, now 25 students 8 boys (used to be 9) and 17 girls. Already from the gender demographics you can guess what it's like. Out of the 25 students, all but me, one other girl and boy, are from same sex schools. Being coed educated all my life, I had only one thing to say - what a harrowing experience that was.

All-girls schooled girls have the tendency to cling together, they have never met boys, they are threatened by boys this except for the classical rich extroverted girl. All-boys schooled guys tend to go the other way. They've never met girls, they want to interact with girls and they're usually the first to get into relationships. I could feel the gender bias, I felt I was the only guy in an all-girls school.

Rule 1 in clique formation. The extroverts/popular people form the first clique. The first clique that formed took away 2 boys and 3 girls. One jock, one joker and 3 valley girl (typically rich, extroverted, erm bbtic girl).

Rule 2 in clique formation, cliques stick together. 4 girls were from SMGS. 2 girls were from MGS. 2 were Indonesian scholars.

Rule 3 in clique formation. Birds of a feather flock together for the rag tag leftover people. Incompatible people do not mix (e.g. two boys from the same school one jock one nerd). But this rule doesn't hold well. But it holds well with girl cliques, girls stick with girls, forming cliques only if the guy initiates.

I didn't get all these rules from a book. I discover these rule myself, both from my class and my CCA. I was never prepared to enter a class with so many same-sex schooled people.

I always wanted a guy clique to be formed by my hopes never materialise. There we're still 7 clique-less guys. But the class rep was pursuing he's own agenda of getting into a relationship. I tried my best to initiate group conversations during class but our personalities were drastically different with too many extreme introverts. The other co-ed educated guy preferred hanging out with girls. The Indonesian scholar was trying to enter the popular clique but failed to integrate (oh and he scares me and I get a feeling that he doesn't like me). The Malay scholar left by the end of 2009 due to performance issues and he was always skipping school although I liked his personality. And another Indonesian student was skipping school just like the Malaysian scholar but he was friendly. In the end, all that was left was me and Joel. But honestly he often got annoying when he started whining or speaking intelligibly (yes you annoy me Joel if you're reading this).

On the more personal level. I used to have so much hope for the class. I thought we could be one big group instead of divided factions and so I thought I could be empowered by the class committee to do this. I took up the post of assistant class rep to uphold the welfare of the class, basically celebrating birthdays, hoping to organise events with the committee. The problem was, the committee wasn't interested in going the extra mile despite me pushing the class rep for action. Nonchalance persisted, I quit during the middle of 2009. I still held the strong need to give recognition to all class members and so I initiated their birthday celebrations for the rest of the year.

There was a feeling that the class didn't like me in general. A reason put forward by my superior in council who was also in my class was that I had taken up a reputation of being demeaning and negative due to the reproachful tact I take towards Joel's annoyance. Or it was possible my enthusiasm towards things seemed fake. Or it could be because I was alienating my classmates because I was consistently outperforming them in the first year. I could tell it from their eyes and how they excluded me from outings. How I was rarely bothered. This was most pronounced from my ex-PW mate and her friend, my fellow CCA-mate, girl-next-block, co-participant of the oversea trip to china and other CCA-mate (whom my OG kid told me called me digusting). These people especially seemed to ignore my existence despite the commonalities we had. It was all too obvious when I could sense that my class was talking behind my back. Once my classmate would at the least say "hi" and now everyone started giving me the cold shoulder. I don't have the courage to investigate, but I did have the courage to bear with it.

But a decision I never regretted was moving to the back where I befriended the twins and my ex-PW mate. I finally entered a clique for the first time in 2 years (Joel soon follow of course, he's a very loyal friend). Late, but not too late. While it took awhile for them as extreme introverts to open up (especially to overcome the bias against boy's being from all girl schools), they were forthcoming and invited me to an ECP outing. I appreciate their company. They also shared a similar feelings towards the class and I thought it was encouraging that I was not alone.

On the last day of school, while the rest of the class were camwhoring and subsequently went out for a last class outing in a superficial show of unity, it was no wonder that me, twins, Joel and my ex-PW mate were no where to be found. We were enjoying our hotpot at Illuma. Pity that my ex-PW was still recovering from her flu otherwise she could have eaten more.

While perhaps I started on the wrong note, I admit I was probably overzealous, but i tried my best. After all I did for the class, ensuring that their birthdays were celebrated, they could never give me the acceptance and inclusion I wanted so much. While my negative emotions towards them could be justified, I'm glad I took whatever opportunity I had left to make new friends.

A penury of time

2010-10-05T01:06:00.002+08:00

I don't think I can make it. I'm mentally prepared to retake the 'A's during NS. I wanna go to medical school. I want to have my ideal dream and I'm gonna fight for it. But reality gives me a big fat slap in the face. Econs is going to drag me to hell and I don't know how to stop the descend. But at least I've got friends equally lost with me. At least I know I do not fight alone. But we've got little time. 35 days to be exact and thats a mere 5 weeks.

Sure I'm done with chemistry basic revision and bio is going to be a breeze, but I know math will take a while. Econs is going to take even longer.

Everyday is dreary and I grow weary of life. And something tells me life isn't going to get any better. I may end up working like a slave for the rest of my life. With property prices sky high I'm going to be ridden with debt in my thirties when I buy my own flat. I will probably never find true love no matter how much I dream of it, because it does not exist for me in my society. I will live alone in my HDB flat for the rest of my life. When I'm old there will be no one to care for me and will register myself into an old folks' home. When I die, no one will be at my funeral. And in the grave, I will rot under an unmarked grave, forgotten in the sands of time.

I wish something would just save me from this ignominous destiny. Killer litter? Traffic accident? Electrocution by lightning? Drowning? Heart attack/Stroke? I can't save myself, I fear pain but I'm not afraid to die.

50 days to A levels

2010-09-21T21:22:00.003+08:00

It's barely 6 weeks to A levels, it almost seems like time just went by like that and with my systems in paralysis I have never felt more lost and panicked at the same time. Still stricken by my prelim results that were far from being able to qualify for my dream occupation, I think I need to reconsider my ambitions. Either that or I need to plan retaking the As.

I feel defeated as though lady luck has set her sights on someone else. And somehow it seems like it's all down to luck, when it is actually not. That's the problem, some pieces of information is missing yet I feel as though I'm ready. It's like my feedback mechanism has gone wrong.

During the Os I was so driven, probably because I wanted to prove something to myself and I know that isn't lost yet. But it's as if I'm just not climaxing the same way everyone can. it's been a characteristic that I've unintentionally adopted. being someone no easily excited and someone pretty consistent. But this trait is also partly my flaw, when i find it hard to rise to the occasion.

I miss the old days when it was just me and my study buddy and things were much happier than. But things are different now that we're in different classes, as though something has intrinsically diverged and he's converge towards different and more introverted values. I know for that one aspect of me hasn't changed, bringing humour into a conversation. But tastes have changed and it appears my humour is only met with chagrin. I find this discouraging it only highlights the rift.

But something about AC and junior college education just bothers me. Let me see, we only managed to complete the syllabus just before the exams at late july and immediately after that was the prelim exams which detrimentally places people in the post exam mode. What is wrong is that hardly any time was given for consolidation. Not to mention that school ends really late at 4.30 on some days,leaving us exhausted from the day's activities. The result is the disappointing grades the various departments saw in our prelim results. The problem lies in the school lack of trust in our ability to manage our own studies. Forcing us to attend lessons when productivity is near zero is ridiculous.

In secondary school, lesson time was lesson time because the syllabus was also covered during lesson, but now with the separation of tutorial and lesson which breaks the cycle of lesson-tutorial and couples it together, much of the tutorial time ends up being redundant "revision". And the strange thing is that we can skip lectures but not tutorials since it's more personal.

So the result, is less learning and more "revision" that is bound to result in information gaps. The worst part is that people are forced to attend school to ridiculously late times. And the consequence is that we fail to do our honework, or tutors are more reluctant to adminster them. In the end it is the double jeopardy of more "recaps" and undone homework/lack of homework. And let's not get me started on how tutors have less time to mark their student's scripts and so are even more reluctant to administer homework, effectively breaking the feedback cycle to students which involves homework --> marks --> correction of mistakes and also to teachers which then cannot access their student's ability. Take the economic department for example, I have hardly written more then 10 essays as homework.

The law of mutual exclusion

2010-09-19T04:39:00.002+08:00

I absolute understand the fuss. Needing to pay more and stuff. But no one gets it.

I remembered the time I organised something new, painstaking put in all the effort but not only did I not receive a word of thanks, instead everyone was complaining especially you. And again on another occasion I did everyone a favour but as usual you ingrates fail to mind your "P"s and "Q"s. But the worst came from you and the expression for it is "hao xin mei hao bao". But it isn't just you, it's also because they think it's funny, an entertainment, a joke. But shows over guys. FACE IT!

I remember the times I had to endure the blatant disrespect and the endless barrage of attacks. And I understood our history but I wanted a blank slate but no you couldn't let go.

I call this a deficit of goodwill.

Beauty

2010-09-11T01:36:00.002+08:00

Beauty is rarity in this world. But where it exists, it is and will always be prized. They say that the media is changing the expectations of beauty. Indeed this is true to some degree with greater numbers of cases of anorexic and bulimic girls in the USA. But the other portion of it is nature. It is in our genes to desire beauty. The reason has always been evolutionary. It is found that people with more beautiful faces have better immunity. And it is posited that this is because a body with better immunity is able to sustain a more symmetrical face.

And in the case of women, there is an ideal hip to waist ratio that is said to be the most attractive and this again is evolutionary as only women with large enough hip can survive the rigours of childbirth including the part where the baby's head has to squeeze through the birth canal.

And in men, we desire dominance which by the way is evolutionarily ingrained in us. And the physical attribute that confers this is musculature or stature. And we see this dimorphism between the "hunter" and "gatherer" when we look at heights and builds between women and men. For most men, we are obsessed with the killer six-packs and bulging biceps for the sake of attracting the fairer sex.

But how many of us can achieve these ideals of beauty? The answer is - few. This can be because of a host of genetic, environmental and chance factors. Some reasons can be socioeconomic and indeed we see that the large proportion of "jocks" in schools are upper middle class or higher. Some reasons can be upbringing; neglectful parents perhaps that do not see the need to snap their children out of their sedentary lifestyles. Or social; by chance the person is not in a clique where sports is not held in high regard and instead values say gaming.

But the larger part is genetic. Save for exercise and diet, few other environmental factors can influence beauty. Symmetry and physical endowments (which by the way includes the bashful topic of bust size and penile length)are both inherited.

But the question is, what are the side effects of ugliness? The answers are obvious: low self-esteem, defeatism, pessimism, depression, anxiety, introversion, social alienation, non-conformity, self-denial. But the worst part is when the person becomes self-hating or anthrophobic. Low self-esteem will inhibit the psychology and social advancement of the person. When depression and anxiety sets in from reasons such as due to relationships, suicide may become an option for the person.

Yet we see at the other end of the spectrum where beauty is in surplus. We get jocks running around getting bimbos pregnant. And personifying this is Christiano Ronaldo who by the way has a son because of a one night stand with a waitress. We see superficiality, promiscuity, arrogance, narcissism and decadence with the surplus of beauty. And the reason is pretty obvious. A person with beauty is heaped with praises and admiration (or even crushes and obsessions) by others and this can easily inflate a person's ego. We see this ego inflation ruining the lives of celebrities such as Britney Spears, Paris Hilton (fake celeb) and more.

So what is it that the world needs? Beauty is good evolutionarily and even in terms of career and life it is desirable. But personally, because of overexcessive praises from people with the lack of beauty, people with beauty are corrupted.

The solution is a way that everyone can choose to be beautiful instead of being confined in the same looks. A world where everyone is like the virtual avatars of video games, where looks are a fluid concept. There are two solutions I have to suggest the first is eugenics and the second is mind transference.

The first idea is now applicable. The idea is to prevent ugly people from passing their genes down or allowing beautiful people to spread their genes to more people. This will be a kind of social engineering or artificial selection of human beings by breaking down the barriers of marriage to allow what evolutionist call "differential reproduction". This can occur by drastically sterilising ugly people or by preventing ugly couples from having their own children and forcing them to have children by using eggs or sperm from beautiful people (so one of the couple will be the biological parent). The benefits are obvious. the next generation becomes increasing beautiful and will have fewer and fewer genetic abberrations. The drawback is that eugenics is unlikely to be supported by people or politicians given its history with Hitler and the fact that it necessitates the invasion of the human right to freedom of choice.

The second idea is for the future. One day, a body will no longer be a body. It will be an avatar. As scientists are improving simulations of nervous systems using neural networks, we may one day in the future be able to upload and download minds from and into bodies. In other words we can engineer bodies for takeover. Or what about one day we may be able to perform surgery on the body at a molecular level to the point of changing even the genome. But all of these require a way for us to control the movements of molecules precisely.

This issue is very close to my heart because I know what it is like to be ugly and I am ugly. I was fat because of upbringing and had a hard time making friends that valued sports and this kept me in the vicious cycle of obesity. But I snapped out of this cycle out of sheer determination. But what I cannot change are my genetic attributes: flat feet, keratosis pilaris. I only hope that one day when I am financially independent, surgery can change things. But for the future generations, I don't want them to face the same emotional struggles I had. To the ugly people or genetically poor people out there, I only hope that you think twice before bringing another genetically poor person into this world.

The calm before the storm

2010-08-24T01:19:00.001+08:00

A's are coming. Today I looked at the pool at heritage view, it was serenity.... But yet it felt like an ominous sign...

Inception

2010-07-28T00:56:00.002+08:00

Ideas are dangerous things, and it spreads like a virus sounds familiar... Like religion. The movie was good like 4/5 but I really though it was markedly parallel to shutter island. Come on, Leonardo dicaprio, alternate reality, psychotic suicidal wife that appears in dreams, unresolved endings and mind bursting work of figuring out what's real and what's not. All to similar to be due to pure coincidence.

All rivers lead to the sea

2010-07-23T00:56:00.003+08:00

19th July was investiture of the 35ths and the night before I was shivering with excitement. I could feel my enthusiasm and energy sapped away by the burden of my badge and yet none of the 34 ths gave me the support and acceptance that I longed for. I had waited for this day to come when I could lose the reason to a certain measure to resent my fellow 34 ths for their disdain. And it was only a week before at PAC I realised that I can never be one of them for ideological reasons. I can never belong to the upper class nobility that most Christians are. I can never be as immersed into christian pop future as them. I can never agree with their logic and way of life. And I have realised that my hopes for entering the first ever Christian community willing to accept me was dashed. And I blame this on the inculcation of discrimination in Christian kids. Being one that has gone through Sunday school, I have been taught to not associate with godless people, including non-Christians. But nonetheless it is the non-christians that are most accepting of people. In fact PAC, angered me. I saw 25 councillors arm in arms during worship, and I was there looking at them from a distance and no one ask me to join in. I questioned myself, do they consider me a 34th?. Forever will this image be etched in my head, the Christians of council like brothers in arms, leaving a poor pastafarian dejected at the corner and yet no one cared, not a single one of "god's people" cared.
The council was the epitome of Christendom including all the traits of discrimination. But I realised I was not the only non-christian as lenny and Zr were also free thinkers. And in a way they both feel the marginalization from those christians. Sometimes I wonder how Sam ang is able to preach love and yet fester a hotbed of hate and meanness towards others say xin er and same goes for kat.
But I made a few good friends and this I have to thank the cliquish lot in council especially the mg girls which do polarize the Council especially cw. But maybe the thing I am mist bothered is by the apathy and reticence of these "Christians".
I think one particular person the council really owes an apology is to rui qin, which behind her back has been a subject of ridicule eg MOC thing. What happened to one heart one voice? I think I feel for Frederick, if only he had held out a little longer. But he feels the same way as me and if the counil could give him acceptance he would have been a splendid councillor but no. He once shared with me how the feeling of belonging he felt in barker was absent here and I agree with his rationale.

Solitude

2010-06-21T16:18:00.002+08:00

The last few days have been great. My parents are out, I'm home alone. I should feel lonely, but I don't. I haven't spoken more then a 100 words in 3 days. I think I am beginning to discover something about myself. I enjoy solitude and silence, anywhere dearth of human contact. Maybe it's just a passing phase and long term solitary confinement isn't very healthy. But nonetheless, I realise that family, friends, school are all just channels for society to suppress the human being into submission.
You know like in wuxia novels, pugilists enter solitude and meditation and come out only stronger and enlightened? Silence and solitude are now rare in our bustling lives. But these two rare states can help clarify the mind and alleviate the stresses of life.
Silence is golden.

Anger

2010-06-09T02:21:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a wake up call for me. Let me just give you the peripherals. There was this kid called Jiayan who seems to be down with asperger's or something. Anyway she didn't talk very much. She was rather plump and loved eating. Anyway, before the tutoring started she called for me to get her water bottle and pointed at a bottle of heaven and earth apple tea on top of the lockers which I don't why I complied because she was closer to the shelve then I was but I did. Little did I know I'd be in for a rough time. Apparently, that bottle of apple tea belong to a one of the Malay twins. It was either Marina or Marini but anyway she was furious and started shouting for her apple tea and found out that the girl had drank it and I also confessed that I was the one who passed her the drink. I offered to buy her a new bottle of apple tea but she shouted an uncouth reply "you think money grow on trees arh??!!". That was when Daniel, who had been watching, went into a rage. "Excuse me! Is that the way you should be speaking to an elder. Summore he already offered to compensate you" or along the lines of that.". That really surprised me, and scared me quite a bit...
But that isn't the point. How could I, someone twice their age be pushed over by them. I think I have been too nice, treating them like adults when they obviously aren't. I have forgotten that children will always be children, illogical, unreasonable animals. Daniel's outburst really reminded me of the power of anger. But the problem is that it is an emotion that I have learned to suppress. I have throw away such a primeval emotion. The only time I get angry is when things get physical. Anger is a powerful emotion that can invoke fear. Perhaps I need to revisit what it means to be human; what it really feels like to be angry...
I believe I need some help in this...

I am touched by His noodly appendage

2010-06-01T02:49:00.004+08:00

It was a long drawn battle, a conflict of self, family and friends. But now, only serenity lies in my firm faith is in his noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster. But this post is also meant to thank the people that have helped me to experience His carbohydrate rich awesomeness.
I would first like to express my gratitude toward my parents who brought me into this carbohydrate rich world. I am also indebted to them for making it possible for me to dread the Christian god which I shall represent with the letter y for convenience sake.
I would like to thank the people of COOS for judging me, for disdaining me and for denying me out of the fellowship they name "the body of Christ" for without them I would not have doubted the authenticity of y and search for the truth without them. I would have blissfully stayed with the status quo.
Next I would like to thank the countless christians/Sunday Christians that constantly prove themselves to me that they were means nasty and judgemental people that take their doctrine at face value. At the same time, I would like to thank the people of other faiths, specifically agnostic or atheistic belief, for their companionship, their non-discriminatory approach to life.
The first group of people I would like to thank is the gg gang of which I can safely say 75% are Christians. How could my resolve been strengthen if they were not the ones spewing vulgarities, blatantly defiling the laws of the school and most of all for polarizing the class based on the worldy and materialistic plumbline of cool and uncool. And specifically, I would like to thank someone, I forgot who, for presenting to me how severe bipolar disorder can get. I'm grateful for his outright rejection of my friendship even after the pains I took to humble myself to try to understand y upon threats from my parents.
I would like to thank the SC for crushing whatever little hope I had left in y. I once had hopes of entering a community where I could find acceptance amongst Christiandom, but to my dismay, the ethos of a judgemental christian never changes.
I would like apologize any christian friends especially dwee if any thing I've said has been of offense. Of course just because most Christians I know of from an impersonal view are mean doesn't mean that all of them are. In fact, I have reasons to belief that those that I know actually express their doctrine in their actions. Okay, let me get this straight. Just because you say that you have a mystical encounter with y doesn't mean that you're a christian. Sure you believe y exists, so what? If your actions and words prove that you either do not read the bible or merely take it at a superficial level, then there is only one word to refer to you: hypocrite.
On a personal level, I would like to highlight how Christians have rather poor affinity with me and I don't like discriminating people. Firstly, I remember how when i was fat, I would never be able to get along with certain people like they outright ignore me. I won't name specific people. I remember how easily I was accepted into a group of non-christians during the Beijing immersion trip. When I was alone they took me in. Even more recently at H3, I made some good friends all non-Christians from what I know of. And already the demographics of my social interactions prove my point. Non-Christians are more accepting of people, less likely to discriminate. Of course a Christian who is highly integrated into christan society would beg to differ.
But anyway, removing myself from my previous religion was only one step away from believing in his great noodliness, the spaghedeity, the flying spaghetti monster. I was alway skeptical about creationism and evolution, but the words of his noodliness through Bobby Henderson, His prophet has enlightened me. It was He who created the earth, land , sea, light, heaven, trees, and the midget and wench which gave rise to humankind. Evolution is just the intepretation of mankind. It was He who planted the fossils to hide the truth so as to test humankind's faith. Whenever scientists do radiocarbon dating, the spaghedeity is always there changing the numbers to fit scientific models. Afterall, He is omnipresent and invisible. Even gravity now makes sense, for it is a mere theory. The truth is that it is the spaghediety that pushes everything down to earth using his noodly appendages. In fact there is proof of this. It is definitely true that the average height of mankind has increased over the last few centuries. This is because the world population has increase resulting in fewer noodly appendages to go around. This decrease in pressure triggered the increasing heights of mankind.
As a pastafarian, we celebrate the festivals of pastover, ramendan, international talk like a pirate day and holiday. Our traditional costume is full pirate regalia which is so because His chosen people were originally pirates.
Also to note, pastafarians are taught to not judge other religious status under the 8 I'd rather you don'ts.
I hope what I have shared has made you realised that pastafarianism is a way better religion than christianity. May you be touched by His noodly appendage. RAmen.

I'm elastiboy

2010-05-21T01:11:00.002+08:00

Two years have passed since the time I lost weight but I'm still afflicted by the unsightly side effects. Yeah okay fine I admit my previous obesity has left me with stretch marks andreally elastic skin. During one cheering session for swim meet to be precise the councillor sitting beside me, pris, was randomly poking her thighs then she poked mine and said I was flabby. Yeah I know I am. I pulled my forearm skin randomly and she was like shocked that it could stretch so far.
I just wanna share about a random life decision I've just made. At one point in my life very likely in my moderately distant future I'm gonne take up bodybuilding. How else am I gonna compensate for my lost strength, health, and more importantly my really awful lose skin. Sigh... But I have no idea how to start my ambition. Hmmm steroids? Lol!

Waking up on the wrong side of bed

2010-05-09T10:29:00.002+08:00

My head hurts, no thanks to my mum who was vacuuming the floor at 8 am in the morning. Slept at 2 yesterday writing up a proposal for college improvements. H3's bothering me to hell. Can life get any worst?
I think the pres and vice-pres have egos wayyy inflated to the point that they give no one below them respect as human beings. One such victim of their disdain, me. Power corrupts, very true.
Yesterday was glissando. Specially bought the tickets to watch the twins and give them support yet I received a gesture of non-acceptance. Sometimes I wonder if friendships are worth the pain and trouble.

I need a gen(i)e

2010-05-03T00:32:00.001+08:00

I don't remember how long this thought has been haunting the inner reaches of my consciousness. All I can say is that recent academic and real life experiences have done little good into helping me forget this fact. I'm a genetically inferior being. It started way back when I realised that I could not do what others could do. And always, envy would creep into my heart. It was so self deprecating and emmiserating to harbour these thoughts of inferiority. Yet, I still remeber how I was in denial and pretended that I had something of worth. But a lot has changed since then, including my acceptance of my genetic fate. Even as more blemishes appear on my container, I have come to take things as they come.

Perhaps I should elaborate more on the recent events that have led me to post this. The trigger is none other that the fact that I'm current writing the notes for the applications of molecular and cell biology chapter of bio H2. It was all about genetic diseases and genetic enhancement and the accounts of people that had undergone gene therapy. There were certain points about eugenics and other implications under another learning outcomes. My point is, it reminded me of the existence of genetic inferiority.

The other trigger was last wednesday when I went for swim meet cheering. It was a humiliating experience. Okay fine I was humiliating myself. Once again as I saw the beauty and the versatility of the human physique, I was maligning to myself about how fragile and ugly my own container was. I was consumed by the thoughts of being in a container that could swim as fast as a dolphin. How strong and egregious I would have looked and felt. But as I phased back into reality, I was grounded in a body that I hated.

Enough about the problem... I know there's a solution for the genetically deficient. The solution is eugenics with a measure of genetic engineering. By selecting human beings with desirable traits and allowing them to have more offspring while limiting the progeny of those not so genetically gifted, the human population can expect to have fewer cases of people unhappy about themselves or suffering of diseases just because their genes dictated so. This is my utopian ideal. A world where everyone could live with their heads held high knowing that they are beatiful, a world where no one has to live in fear of genetic disease, a world that is empowered to do more.

I wonder, can I do something to make my dream at least one step closer to reality... I wonder..

It's just the beginning of the highness..

2010-04-30T21:58:00.003+08:00

The year started with us, a ragtag group of students from different schools who have never met each other, going to H3 weekly. We started out like rojak. But our diversity was our strength. From the day the 6 of us met, it was like parabiosis. It was amazing how we grew to enjoy each other's company so quickly. It was hilarious when bio related puns popped up every now and then. Each of you had a unique personality that I found likable and so relate-able. The drollery of lecture was sweetened by the company of you guys. We went through the thick and thin of H3, but trials only made us more united.
Thank you all for all the fun you've brought into my life. This is not the end. Because we've made friendships that can last a lifetime. Will miss all of you now that we won't be meeting up regularly (except the two in AC whom I'll still meet thankfully). =)
I think it will be a long time before you guys discover this message heh =P.

Hippo crispy

2010-04-15T22:31:00.002+08:00

Today was incredibly bizarre. It started with my 6 hour nap and consequent insomnia after midnight. In the lift I met an girl who live in the same block as me. I met someone with the same name as me and talk about transportation the whole way through. During a break I talked to another guy with same name as I and we talked about books. In class I was picked on by different teachers for a total of 2 times and in one case was accused of "stoning"(which is sorta my favourite pastime anyway). And then I had a nice chat with a classmate/person above me.

Today I was inflict with the realities of life I guess. My suspicions were true after all. This talk albeit I felt was redundant was a revealing as I grapple with the apparent judgement indicted upon me. It was a dalliance since the start from last year but I could sense an odd tension one that impressed a sense of disdain and disregard. But today it was a confirmation of sorts. I once dismissed it as plain gender discrimination, but again I felt an ominous presence that was a reminiscence of my days in Fairfield. Again I could not find acceptance from the general populous. Perhaps it was the kind of sarcasm that I express only with people that act in an incongruous manner but it was this very same tendency of mine that garnered a somewhat undesirable image of self. Alas, I dread once again and seek recluse within the confines of the companionship I still have left.

Words are powerful creatures that come in difference forms. some words are angels, others demons and most are neither. But today was a deluge from hell. Accusations flung across the board and in my best wishes to maintain rapport I had to impressed the image of subservience and compliance. In the end, I was perhaps speaking to the embodiment of a hippo.

I once thought the XX was demure and patient, friendly and accepting. At least those were my first impressions. But every since the day I reached socio-emotional renaissance, I have realised that all the glimmers outside is but rotten within. But I would not say true for all, for the majority of these people fit under 2 classes, they are all of belief C and come from matriarchal alma maters. It disgusts me the kind of nepotism and the kind of corruption that has managed to overcome true democracy.

The Green Consensus

2010-04-12T21:28:00.001+08:00

I parished with the titanic waste of money

2010-04-05T20:48:00.003+08:00

Clash of the titans? Waste of time don't watch it. I have never seen a more flippant storyline, even if the visuals were good.
Parish was awesome, we didn't perish after all. the trick is to rush to the helicopter before the final tank shows up.

Fun-O- Ra Ra Ra ah ah...

2010-03-26T22:15:00.002+08:00

Fun O rama was tiring. Don't remind me about it cos it was spectacularly painful.

A little update about my life: The month of february

2010-02-24T23:56:00.001+08:00

Founders day passed. og outing,

H3 lab work has been fun, but lectures have been dry. Always annoys me when I have to leave lectures early. And kinda embarrassing sometimes too. For example I was leaving the LT when Mr. Lim said into the mike in the presence of everyone "Samuel, Where are you going?".

Went for OG outing after cross country. I really hope we still can stay together. Already I sense the social connections fading. I discovered that my own OG kids are more scandalous than I am. Like to the point that they already have relationships outside of school. It's like wow. Eg V and his external rhealationship.

oRHEAntation '10

2010-02-09T18:44:00.000+08:00

Orientation!!

2010-01-31T11:38:00.002+08:00

I'm excited. What will Rhea look like? Can I do this task of bringing a group of fragmented strangers together to become a family?

I'm not sleeping very well...

What motivates me?

2010-01-18T21:05:00.002+08:00

What's happening to me?

Who was I in the past. I was the boy who lost 23kg from 83 kg to 60 kg. It was I who ran home everyday, starved for hours everyday just to achieve this aim. I was the boy who diligently stayed in the school library, poring over textbooks and textbooks 1 and a half years before the final exam. It was I who risked my self-esteem, to push myself in the arena of faith and social acceptance with limited success of course.

What am I know? A shadow of my former self. I am no longer capable of this discipline. I have become less prudent, less gung ho. I need a new motivation yet I find none. I have become more susceptible to the sins of instant gratification its subsets such as procrastination and entertainment.

Maybe this in itself isn't a cause for alarm. I remember my old self, driven not by self fulfillment but the desire for self-acceptance and peer acceptance. But these things are behind me and if I continue down those paths of discontent, I would surely fall into depression and subsequent suicide. I am living a life that seeks self-fulfillment. But yet, I need a new fire, and no, it will not come from religious sources.

It was lost but now it's found

2010-01-17T14:50:00.002+08:00

Today, I went through one of the most harrowing experiences in my entire LIFE! The day started in mediocrity. I woke up and set it bed with the same morning daze. But tit was when I went for dinner, that a combination of misfortunes led up to this event.

I went to the market across my road for dinner (which I seldom do, but I had to today because my parent went out). I finished my meal with glee, and distracted by my brother, I left my retainers on the table. Even as he finished his meal, and we left the hawker centre, I did not realise my retainers were left on the table. But soon enough I did when I got home. I spontaneously glided to the market with a tipsy heartbeat. How my aorta seemed so tangled to the point I wanted to collapse of cardiac arrest, but alas I reached the market but my retainers were gone. I frantically asked the cleaners around and i finally found the cleaner who cleared my table. The old man was strangely obstinate to help me, disdaining the importance of my retainers which will cost me up to 120 dollars to replace. I asked an another cleaner who told me that the dustbins were most likely lost. I was persistent and started digging my hands in the bin. During the time, I also called my dad to come to the scene.
It was only with some moral support, specifications from the male cleaner on where he cleared the rubbish bag containing my retainers and counsel from my dad that finally, I was successful in retrieving the item. The old lady cleaner allowed me to use some detergent to disinfect my retainers and said some things in chinese about being careful and stuff. I guess I have to thank these people to a small measure for this averted bombshell, but really, today I showed my character of tenacity.

The story about the ugly duckling

2010-01-14T21:48:00.002+08:00

Today I had an emotional, emo in other words, moment.

It was an uncanny flashback. I was walking along the pool deck. This was when I saw some boys in their swimsuits getting ready to swim. I can never help myself but to admire the toned physique, the rippling muscles and the overall appearance of health in those individuals. I always wondered... What is it like to be so fit, so strong, so svelte? What is it like to walk around the way you were made and to know that you are the ideal of the human physique. What is it like to earn the admiration of others just by being the way you are? What is it like to hold a high self-esteem? What is it like to run faster than the wind, to jump higher than the mountains, to swim faster than a fish? What is like to know that no matter where you are, you won't be judged inferior just from your cover? I felt ashamed. Again, I let envy creep into my heart. But in my heart I want it, and I wanted it. It was the sense of de ja vu.

There was once an ugly duckling. He had no friends. He decided to go to the ducks, but they rejected him. He spent many years hiding in the marshland, where he was left out to fend for himself. One day as he was swimming in a pond, he saw a flock of swans flying over him. He looked at them with awe and admiration. "How beautiful they are! I wish I could be like them." he said.

The story of the ugly duckling is close to my heart. Who else understands the ugly duckling more than me? A beaten self-esteem, hapless and disparaged.

When will the story conclude? I have a long way to go. But if I could have a twist in the story, I wish that the duckling had a swan to mentor him and guide his way.

OGLing my way to the start of the year

2010-01-13T22:23:00.003+08:00

Before OGL camp
I remember how excited about being an OGL i was when I first joined the council. But now, something feels amiss. Where's the energy? I'm just so languid. Something about the lackadaisical aura of the holidays has tarnished my discipline. I'm hoping that I will rise up to the occasion and be a great OGL along with my other two Rhea partners. I wonder how Audrey and Xing Ting are like in real life.

Can you belief my OG was originally named Vhimba?? Seriously, what is that!!?? But it sure would rhyme with IMBA!! haha. But Rhea has an unusual soothing sound. I only wish that Rhea would become Rheal.

After OGL camp

I still feel the inertia of getting back to school. It was exhausting, all the new friends and tiring activities. I believe that Audrey and Xing Ting would make nice OGLs. Audrey kinda reminds me of my last year OGL. The flag looks AWESOME!!! Might wanna add sequins before orientation. I'm just drained. Hope I can keep this energy level up during orientation.

17 down.. how many more years to go?

2010-01-01T00:09:00.003+08:00

As I laid down in bed... I reflected about the year that just passed. I asked myself, did I have any regrets. With a dreary feeling, I admitted that I had some regrets. I regretted not managing my time better. I regretted succumbing to the temptations of sloth and procrastination. I regretted not doing enough to make an effort to make new friends. For some things, it's too late. But some others, it's not.

As I heard the muffled cacophony of explosions that crept into my inner sanctum, I imagined the visual displays. But I laid on my bed, watching the clock as the second hand inched even closer to the new year. It was 2010.

Again, flashbacks ran through my head. There was a time when I was a person everyone would have disdained. I was once a person whom everyone dispised. I was once judged for how I appeared. But I remembered the hatred that flowed through my veins and sorrow that egged me on to craft a grand renewal of my existance. But how I laugh at the pettiness of old self. Even now I'm dispising the incorrigible state I was in. But I'm like a bag of scars that will never heal. I still want my childhood, my youth and my inheritance back. But I know that it is an uphill climb of hardwork dilligence and an open mind.

I left too much to fate last year. I slacked. I was burnt out. Can I revive that unquenchable thirst?

As I laid on the upholstery, I ebbed in and out of consciousness. It's a long way to go.

My new and improved chompers

2009-12-28T19:50:00.001+08:00

I won't forget today, the culmination of 3 years of non-stop insufferable tension in my mandibles. I stared into the mirror for almost forever, admiring my strangely straight set of chompers. I was ethereal. It was the me I was envisioning at the start of my epic transformation, but then slowly gripped my cerebrum was a sensation of disenchantment... Am I not suppose to be happy?

It's Christmas!

2009-12-25T22:53:00.002+08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!

It's the season of Merry and Mirth, the season of giving. It is a time when we commemorate the birth of the Christians' god into the mortal world. Today I went for a dinner with my maternal extended family. It was an impressionable experience to speak to my cousin. It was strange how I could speak with them on the same level when just a few years ago I daren't even initiate a conversation. Well, somehow my cousin, Mark and his fiance were my direct seniors from SC3 12 years ago. Amazing! And somehow, I managed to sell most of my Fun-orama tickets.

But back to the topic. Christmas, to me, brings back many bad memories. Memories of how I was forsaken by Christians during my childhood and teenage years. How my parents coerced me to attend church despite my vehement contumacy. I remember how I used to admire a few Christians, but this only led to disenchantment and further self-disparagement. Christianity's popularity in Singapore mainly due to the community it provides rather than purely the objective of seeking the supreme deity. The hypocrisy and inherent contradictions within the community has made me resent the superficiality of Christianity. I don't hate Christians. In fact, some of my best friends are Christians. But unfortunately, I have come to relate Christianity with the pain of rejection. I will not try to argue with religious people about the existence of a supreme deity for to me, whether a god exists or not, it doesn't matter because god has no reason to meddle in the affairs of humankind. This is the outlook of an apatheist.

Back from Bejing

2009-12-12T01:27:00.002+08:00

ARGHH!!! It pains me... My imprudence has led me to the loss of countless invaluable memories. I hate Beijing Hospitals and Taxis. It's thanks to these two nouns that my camera is gone. But what is nontarnishable are the memories that I have brought back from the land of my ancestors.

It's intriguing to think that I had stepped into the very lands that my ancestors once fought for with their lives. It brought chills into my heart... both literally and figuratively... to think that I would stand on the compounds of structures that once dominated and protected the land of my forebears.

I remember the grandeur of the Great Wall of China, the Forbidden City and the Summer Palace (I missed the Temple of Heaven). These buildings, restored from their once decrepit state signified the meteoric rise of China's dynasties, their eventual decadence and their current ascension back into the forefront of geopolitical prominence. I saw the countless artifacts at the Military Museum and the National Museum. It was the most surreal experience I had ever had. Never had I gone for a holiday of this scale and this great proximity from home. Ironically, I had in way returned home; to my genetic birthplace.

The weather was frigid -4 to 10 degrees or so. As such, a perpetual slight mist always obscured the peripherals. Strangely, I could not sense a hint of the famous Chinese smog. This can be attributed to the recent seeding of the clouds that led to the early snowfall. Despite the frosty conditions, I never got to see snow. The weather was a fresh change from the everlasting sauna we experience in Singapore. But it became unbearable when the wind blew, especially atop the great wall.

Our team had a great time at Bejing National Day School. I can remember how the students were wearing uniform jackets; blue around the chest and white everywhere else except the edges. I sat with students one year younger than me as in Beijing, their junior college education was spread over 3 years. Thus their J1 was one year younger than us. It was a hubub of confusion in my head as I grappled usually comprehensible subjects in Chinese atop of the already baffling accent. Yes! The accent! When conversing with students, it was very difficult as I would not understand their seemingly muffled speech. However, with much of their patience, I was able to conduct a decent conversation with them. There were a few students that did not quite expect us to have such a proficiency in Chinese. They were probably accustommed to the numerous foreign students that participate in exchange programmes. But meeting people who could converse with them was probably something unusual. I met a US staff exchange teacher who taught conversational english to the students. We had a hearty conversation. But the most hilarious lesson was always english lessons, taught by a chinese teacher. There were always grammatical and spelling mistakes that would make me chuckle irresistably.

However, it made me feel that the Chinese students were just like us. The same way Singaporeans struggle with the Chinese language, these students were also doing their best to grasp the english language. Even then, our level of proficiency of chinese is on an average higher than their standard of english language proficiency. On the friday of that week, we all gave an impromptu performance which we pulled of surprising smoothly albeit the lack of practice.

The only grouses I have are about the food. I have never seen rice cooked so horribly from a country that eats rice as the staple. Could it be the strain of rice or the weather or even the techniques used in cooking, but their rice was never fluffy. It was always soggy and clumpy, unlike the thai rice that we enjoy in Singapore. On top of that, several restaurants served up weird and bizzarre combinations of food. For example, have you seen lots of diced cucumbers with chicken cooked in soya sauce? The food was not on par to my standards of good food. We had lots to eat... But it often didn't taste good unless we were going to special restaurants to taste their specialities such as Beijing roast duck, dumplings and steamboat. Overall, I rate the trip a stellar 8.5 out of 10 from my experiences with holidays ( which isnt extensive by the way).

But the most memorable thing of the trip was the fellowship I had with a group of Bukit Panjang and SCGS students + jl. I remembered how I came to the trip all on my own, but they included me, accepted me into their group. I am really thankful for their company and their support. =)

I still think that the best souvenir I brought back were the friendships I forged.

Return... And going..

2009-11-27T23:58:00.003+08:00

I guess I haven't been updating my blog since OP. But yeah OP is long over. I think I did pretty well because I made the teachers laugh in the Q & A. On top of that, during OGL interviews when I was escorting an interviewee to the room, one of the teachers that passed by remembered me for my presentation.

Yesterday I came back from Council camp. The idea of a June Camp repeat didn't catch on to me. I dreaded June Camp. As a matter of fact, it left me very discouraged. I could not pump the same way the other guys could with such gusto. June camp made me feel... I wasn't one of them... I was weaker... I was different... It set a very bad tone throughout my council journey. The feeling of inferiority plagued me like an incurable affliction. However, I was to succumb to my own self-effacing nature. The truth is... I am afraid of councillors. I can say that 95% of councillors were councillors in their secondary school or held leadership positions. They are the winners of the game of life. Their dominating character has allow them to rise up and their careful choice of friends have always been crucial in bolstering their social standing.

What a far cry from what I was. I was once an outcast. I was always a follower. I was always label undesirable company. I learnt to despise the very discriminatory nature of dominant people. I avoid them to the best of my ability not out of intention but out of fear. I never contemplated this situation when I was convinced to pick up the form and wear the green badge. But now I am reduced to hide under the shadows of Robert's facade. After all, he's the person I knew best in council and the only person I know who acted out our council's ideals.

But yet I find the irony laughable... One Heart, One Voice?... I think I am not alone in this notion. The unity the exco espouses is something that was shattered a long time ago. I remember the first time I spoke to number 53. It was backstage and we were doing trials of our one-liners. 53 was afraid and uncertain, feeling the same way I did. 53 asked me whether he/she should have withdrawn, but blinded by optimism, I tersely dissuaded the notion. But now I wonder... perhaps there was a grain of truth to what 53 said. As we all were promoted to councillors, 53 never amalgamated into the social circle of the council... Instead, she was shunned. Even the highest echelon of the council, despite espousing ideals that by right should have mitigated this, did not make an effort to even conduct a decent conversation with 53. Can I label this hypocrisy? I shall not jump to conclusions.

But what could have led to this invisible conundrum. Can I cite factors such as a skewed proportion of members from a certain sister school of FMSS? Can cite factors such as the formation of cliques? Can I cite the judgementality of student leaders which brought them to the top? Or can I cite the culture difference between those immersed in pop culture and those that are not? I wish not to incur the ire of the higher ups... But I challenge the system, not the authority...

Oh well... Enough deep thought... Tomorrow I'll be flying off to Beijing. Really fast... I'm gonna be really busy.

Muh muh muh muh

2009-11-07T00:24:00.002+08:00

Today I went on a long overdue outing haha... It was a long time since I went for a karaoke. Kbox was fun but I really thought that their scope of songs was really limited. The last time we went to kbox, we paid $20+, a rather Pyrrhic amount, but this time it was different.

Thanks guys for the K present!!

Ironically, the membership saved us more money than if we had not applied for the membership. This is because the student promotion was much more cheaper at $14.50 and the membership costly only $10 so all in all the cost dropped. Furthermore, we were entitled to a complimentary snack and drink which was very much welcomed. I couldn't find a korean song I wanted to sing, unfortunately. But I discovered my murmuring, or should I say "muh muh"ing, talent haha. I can attribute this discovery to Lady GaGa and her pokered face. I wonder what should I do with the coupons.

One down, One more to go...

2009-11-03T20:08:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, the year long wait for CL finally ended. I think I'm going to do quite well for the composition and passage one. As for the last passage of the comprehension, I died straightaway.
OP left.... Come on Sam, you can do this!!!

17.... but never again

2009-10-29T17:15:00.002+08:00

Thank you everyone for your well wishes!! =) The little things go a long way. The littlest well wishes can bring a smile to a person's face. I appreciate them.

Today I spent the day, fretting about Chinese next Monday. There was only a quiet celebration with just my family, as it has been all my life. As I looked out of the window, the gloomy sky finally broke down, releasing an unabated deluge. Inside I feel nothing...

I recalled my days in Fairfield... The dread I had on my birthdays. I can still remember how in secondary 1 to 2, no one remembered my birthday lest even celebrated it.

Maybe because I look different now, or the environment is different, or even because of Facebook, but this year, my birthday was unprecedented as compared to before. But still, how I envy people with such exciting birthday celebrations...

Two public disgraces on the MRT

2009-10-23T23:19:00.006+08:00

Today was the first time this happened to me. While it wasn't my fault, I was caught inevitably in the squabble. It all started when me and my mum boarded the train at Chua Chu Kang heading towards Jurong East. Upon entering, we caught sight of an empty priority seat at the side. Beside the seat was an old woman in her sixties. Leaning against the panel was her daughter (which we realised only later) and in standing in front of her was their maid. The daughter was a well-dressed lady, seemingly in her twenties, with looks that were above average. Under her seemingly normal demeanour hid an imperceptibly warped character. This was something that shocked me the most.

My mum went to sit at the seat, not knowing that they were apparently deliberating on whether the maid or the daughter should sit. When sitting, the old woman shoved my mum off and scolded her in Hokkien. The daughter quickly sat in the seat. After my mother left the seat, she mutter under her breath "she pushed me". The daughter, now seat seated, yell at the top of her lungs "PUSH WHAT PUSH! SHE WHERE GOT PUSH YOU! ......". Then the old woman also started scolding in Hokkien to my mum. I was dumbfounded. My mum shouted back the daughter. I can't remember exactly what but it was about the pushing, not any insult. She then walked off. Everyone was watching intently at the scene. I stayed behind, due to the shock of my mother's suddenly departure. Meanwhile, the old woman was talking loudly in Hokkien, and scolding me, which I inferred from the "kia" she said. I just ignored their existence.

I was really upset by how they treated my mum. They were downright disrespectful. A simple "Excuse me, my daughter was going to sit here" would have sufficed, but instead they snapped and made a fool of themselves.

This didn't just end there. When we alighted at Jurong East to Change trains, I rendezvoused with my mum. The two ladies, mother and daughter start shouting at us again. This time, I couldn't take it. I went to them and said, "Can I please ask you to quieten down?" repeatedly, even saying in chinese. I used a tone of equanimity and calm composure in a polite fashion. No it didn't work. They continued yelling at the top of their lungs at me! They were screaming the same thing; the daughter ranted about the pushing and the old woman shouting in Hokkien. "Call the police larh! Call arh!" they threatened me. Everyone was staring at us. I didn't feel nervous. Adrenaline was placing me in confrontation mode. My attempts to resolve the conflict were interrupted by the arrival of the MRT. I won't know whether this would have worked anyway since my efforts all fell on deaf ears.

My mum dragged me away to board the train at a different carriage. And no the provocation didn't end there.

When the two woman alighted at Clementi station, they stood there, staring at us and yelling at us. As the MRT departed, my mum and I were relieved that this toturous confrontation finally ended.

"Is this how Singaporeans behave, yelling and scolding their fellow Singaporeans?" This I would wonder if I were a tourist. This shocking behaviour left the issue of courtesy reverberating in my head for a long while. I could not comprehend how the daughter could have the audacity to scold a person many years senior to her in this fashion. The arrogance, the uncouthness.

Without intentional provocation of any sort, they started making a public disgrace of themselves. They lost their composure completely, exposing their ugliness to the whole world. As a bystander to the first confrontation. I would have been utterly horrified by the way the younger lady treated the ageing woman with such disrespect. Furthermore, what she sat on was a PRIORITY seat. A younger lady, snatching the seat from an older woman. Something has gone horribly wrong with the priority seat campaign.

The way the old lady spoke loudly, with unmatched (in the carriage) loquacity and spitefulness in the carriage was very unbecoming of a woman of her age. One would expect an elderly lady to be someone imbued with wisdom and experience, someone tempered by life's journey, someone mellow and magnanimous. Very unfortunately, she was the direct opposite; jaded by the world and a downright bore. I was completely disappointed that she supported her daughter rather than admonishing her. On top of that, the action of pushing one from their seat is completely unacceptable. To put it in plain, her actions were in line with the stereotype of the common Ah Lian.

While a normal person would have brushed this incident off, these two had the indecency of provoking us further after the incident at the platform. When I politely asked them to stop making a scene, they dared me to call the police and shout even louder. I was not part of the incident. I didn't join in, I didn't provoke them in anyway. But in trying to protect my mum from their harassment I took the brunt of their attacks. This reflects the lack of their judgement. Why couldn't they just bury the hatchet after the unpleasant encounter? Why did they continue to pursue the issue over a comment about a mere shove? Why is it that my earnest request for them to stop was completely ignored?

The implication of this whole incident can summed up with the conclusion, there are shameless Singaporeans who have completely no courtesy. When I think of discourtesy, I will always recall those hateful eyes that gazed upon us unjustly as the MRT departed Clementi Station.

OPposing the imPOssible

2009-10-20T23:32:00.002+08:00

Sigh... OP's coming up. Somehow I'm getting the impression that my group just isn't interested in working for this project. I really am out of ideas how to boost their motivation. I feel like I'm bearing most of the actual work. I was promised by my group leader to play a minor role. But it appears I still have to go all out...

But I don't blame them. I think it's because they did not have a way to contribute ideas. But really, it all started when the group chose my PI as it was the only available GPP then. But it's too late to do any kind of PW group bonding. Those that can carry more should carry more, I know I can carry more even if the others are not willing to. Just a little bit more... I can pull through this... I want everyone to get an A... Even if I'm alone in this...

Arrogance

2009-10-18T23:33:00.005+08:00

Something prompted me to write about this. Arrogance to me is something I really dislike. There is a great difference between boastfulness and arrogance. To be boastful is to talk in a self-admiring way while to be arrogant is to be in offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. To boast occasionally without tones of sarcasm and disdain is in itself not wrong. But arrogance is a completely different subject.

An arrogant person is a person who will disdain others he/she deems inferior and less. An arrogant person judges others, and often avoids associating with those they deem as inferior. A moment of boastfulness cannot compare to a blight in character.

I don't know why this is happening. Now and then, I see some people who seem to be left out, yet everyone else does not care. Many a time, you can tell why. These people who are left out are often different in a way that is seen as "uncool". Perhaps the person is fat, geeky, skinny, quiet etc or a combination or factors. But then I always ask the question: why?

Are today's youth becoming more arrogant, more judgmental?

Is it something to do with wealth? As you know, my school's affiliated institutions have students that are generally of a more wealthy background. Is it something to do with the pervasiveness of pop culture in the general youth population? Or is it elitism becoming increasingly ubiquitous?

I think it is the combination of many factors. From my observation, today's youth are increasingly more and more immersed in pop culture. Close to the heart of today's youth are popular American drama series such as F.R.I.E.N.D.S and gossip girl. When youth watch these shows, they are subscribing to the lifestyle that these shows represent. The music scene contributes greatly to how today's youth view what is socially desirable. Today's youths are constantly obsessed with trivia about celebrity gossip and the latest movies and music.

Consequently, youth's admire the pop culture celebrated by the media via the internet and MTV, correspondingly admiring those amongst them who are the most knowledgeable and immersed in this culture. But then, how does this link to how discrimination comes about in schools? I can sum this up in a story.

You are someone wealthy. You are most likely to be living in a condominium or even better accommodation. Your parents are both working and you have a sizable household income to give you what ever you want. You grew up with the latest gadget and trends, branded goods: Nike, Prada, Xbox, PSP, you name it. Your family was able to afford you all sort of lessons: piano, guitar, tuition. You end up in a junior college because of all the help. You have always been at the centre of attention, as result, you possess an extroverted personality. If you're a guy, you are probably in a sports CCA because that where to cool guys are and you want to impress the girls by getting more buff. If you're a girl, you would avoid sports to keep skinny to impress guys and you would probably focus more on the performing arts and you are very likely to have a lot of experience with pop culture because you simply love to talk about the hottest guy in the latest movie or drama. In school you are in the "in" crowd because you have always been because you can afford to go out and socialise.

You have been very careful in picking your friends. Those who keep to themselves, they are just boring!! Those who are skinny and fat, they are just ugly. You desire attention, you want to gossip, you want to be cool and in!!

But then what becomes of those without the financial capacity to support such a lifestyle. They often possess an introverted personality because they have never been exposed to the pressure of pop culture. They are marginalised. They are disdain because they have never been nurtured in the environment where they had to fight for attention. They are cast aside by those who deem themselves as cool.

What I have just described was a parody of how todays income disparity and pop culture have culminated in the way how some of today's youth in my opinion behave. It may not stand true in all circumstances, but it explains a great deal about why some people behave in a certain way.

Personally, I have experience this, and that is why I know about this trend. There was a time I was in a class where all the 'cool' kids would clique together. It is quite true that these people were more athletic and better looking. But the truth is, the way they segregated the class into two groups, cool and uncool, destroyed class solidarity.

But really, when you see a person who does not conform. Is it fair to leave this person as he/she is? Why do you leave a person out just because he/she does not meet your standards of what is deemed to be 'cool'. "It is the duty of the strong to help the weak", that is what I believe should be the attitude people need to take. As a person who is popular, you do not just keep all the attention to yourself while someone else woolgathers in one corner. It is just not quite right. Always involve everyone. If perhaps a person does not quite fit in, tell him/her with good intentions that he/she needs to change and tell him/her how. We can change others for the better while at the same time making a new friend, what could be a better conclusion. Either that, the best solution is always to never judge. Treat everyone equally and never judge a book by its cover. It is plain arrogance to leave and let be.

The calm after the storm

2009-10-13T00:08:00.003+08:00

It's exhilarating... this feeling of an oppressive force lifted like a curse unbound. Today I ended with the last paper of the promos: Chinese. All my hopes and my dreams for next year, I gave it my all during the papers. The final dictum, whether I will be able to qualify for a H3 subject lies primarily in Miss Marhaini. After all, economics is my weakest subject amongst the four H2s. Meanwhile, I still have to face the lesser of two evils, OP and Chinese H1. Most likely, I will retake chinese after just recently unraveling the secret to acing the subject. I just need to extend the respite, to slowly grasp this subject and finally attain a satisfactory grade.

Before promos... I contemplated the though of retaining voluntarily. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have another year of school? I am quite enchanted by the thought, but of course it was quickly crushed by reality. But maybe... just maybe it is a possibility...

Meanwhile, I'll take a well deserved reprieve from the stresses of academics....

Teachers' Day post mortem

2009-09-24T21:02:00.003+08:00

On the 4th of September, every thing went well. Two days ago, our team dissected our workings. What did we do wrong? What can be done better? What can our juniors learn from this?

Every now and then, I see teachers wearing the lanyard I designed. This is the most satisfying part of doing the gifts to the teachers. Years from now, I can imagine the juniors asking themselves "where did the teachers get those lanyards?". Sadly, no one will remember who made these lanyards and what they were made for. But what is for sure, I have left my mark. New teachers will come, old ones will leave. But many teachers will continue to carry these lanyards, just like how the I love AC lanyards persisted for years. I have never given this many teachers' day presents. I really enjoyed the adventure, the experience of designing and ordering my own merchandise; something I would never have done if I was not in the council.

From the input I got from my peers and from my own judgement, in terms of rating, I give 6.5/10. I am really impressed that the 10 of us could come up with so much in a matter of 4 weeks, not to mention including the arrival of terms and SPA. All of us sacrificed a lot. The reception and logistics went perfectly. The decorations, while rather modest in the hall, was very extravagant in the lobby and the banner was just fantastic. I was especially impressed by the concert i/cs ability to liaise with so many people and to put together the concert that was really entertaining and funny; because the concert was the only product students saw, I can say that they did a wonderful job. Perhaps I am not really in the position to judge since I missed the bulk of it, but from what I saw, I was pleased. However, from the perspective of a planner, teachers' day lacked creativity. Basically, in my opinion, I was the one doing the branding of the event as the decor, posters and gifts all contained the modified superman logo I designed. The concert despite being an excellent concert, didn't involve new ideas. The excellence of the concert was rooted in the creativity of the various performers, but the concert ics did try to put in a few of the creative ideas but they were not feasible. I thought that the standard of creativity was set by national day celebrations, when balloons were dropped from the balconies which was a pleasant surprise. In terms of creativity, I give 1.5/3. For the good concert a give a 5/7. Hence, 6.5, cause the others aren't pulling their own weight in idea generation. I can't say they weren't creative for the video and deco were planned by the respective ics, however much more could have been done. The Best is Yet to Be. Be creative 35ths.

Back to Blogging... I think

2009-09-21T22:28:00.002+08:00

Been lazy, and busy to blog...

It has been really hectic. I signed up for Teachers' Day Ad Hoc, and I got smothered by the chairman who tasked me with the duty of both publicity AND gifts. I learnt a lot though. I pretty adept at adobe photoshop now... to a small extent. I now know how to design my own merchandise. And I got a really good contact for doing that heh.. For teachers day I designed a mug and a lanyard which was given to every teacher. I can even see many teachers walking around with the lanyard I designed.

The mug is really nice. I'm serious. It's basically the modified superman logo to contain AC with the phrase "I'M AN (AC) TE(AC)CHER", (AC) representing the logo. Of course the (AC) and the (AC) in teacher is the logo. So it's more like I'M AN on top and then AC logo below the TE on the left and CHER on the right of the logo. The title ACcolade: Our Heroes was suggested by me, albeit reluctantly because I actually wanted a medieval themed concert. Oh wells... that was the 4th of august. But because my partner was struggling with her studies and violin exam, I pretty much did all the work. But hardship makes a person stronger. I now believe I can do much more.

I sacrificed a lot for teachers' day. I didn't do any kind of studying for a month thanks to it. And because of that I failed Chinese and GP mock tests. But, I still got an A grade for Chemistry, Math and Biology tests somehow. Ok, maybe not somehow. I am somehow highly inclined towards the Math and Sciences. But I completely fail at art subjects and languages.

Went out during the september holidays with my group of friends from FMSS. It really brought back memories about how they were always around to keep me company while the rest of the class ignored my existence.

After being in council for a few months, I have comed to realise that I am pretty much an oddball in the council. Practically everyone there was once from some sort of prefectorial board. I have noticed something; councillors are fundamentally differently in their personality. They are almost always a high E and have rather high EQs. The biggest and most obvious point I noted was that a high knowledge of pop culture and celebrity trivia (which includes knowledge about american music and movies) correlates to extraversion. The most outgoing is the person who has the most topics to talk about, relevant to today's youth and to today's pop culture. And guess who's the most out of sync with pop culture? haha...

Been really stressed lately by Chinese. I just don't get it. Why do I need to learn literature in Chinese when what the government wants is for us to do business with China or in China. We should be learning how to write argumentative essays and understanding relevant terminologies rather than learning expressions that will be of no use in day to day conversations. There is something wrong with the education system. If the purpose of the chinese syllabus is to create a generation that can discern ideas, I believe that the educational system already imbibes this ability through all arts subject and GP/English, hence the chinese syllabus should be changed such that it involves just pure memory work. Languages are best learnt through the repeated process of memorisation, application, memorisation... something I learnt from a friend who managed to digest Japanese to a surprising eloquence in just half a year. Furthermore Chinese is absolutely complicated. In english, our vocabulary consists of alphabets --> words ---> sentences where words can be classified more or less into adjectives, verbs and nouns,, or course there are others like conjunctives. But they are basically words. In chinese, words (zi) are the basic building blocks. On its own, it has meaning, when paired up with another it will probably have another meaning, some come in triplets and most come in quartets (ci yus) and even more taxing are the proverbs which are unlike english proverbs and idioms, the words of a chinese proverb will have the meaning of the proverb only together and you cannot vary it, whereas in english, the component words can allow a small degree of freedom, such as "love me, love my dog" can be "one who loves me should love my dog", in chinese its ai wu ji wu and nothing else. the equivalent of word in english is equivalent to the single word, the double, the triple and the quartet. This means a larger bank of meanings as compared to english. The chinese language is full of redundancies too. Many words are simply too specific with all sorts of unwritten rules. Two different pairings can have the same meaning but one of them can only be used in a certain context which just makes me completely annoyed. Chinese has a really disorganised sentence structure that is radically different from english. To exacerbate that, expressions (1,2,3,4) are not classed as adverbs adjective or what nots in a dictionary, leaving you to guess. Some expressions can't be used as both adjectives and verbs, and adjectives and nouns or any combination, but nothing states so. Completely frustating... I have no idea how I will ever master chinese to a reasonable eloquence...

Anticipation

2009-08-22T10:39:00.000+08:00

Been busy lately with all SPA and stuff. I'd rather not talk about biology SPA.

I'm really afraid, afraid that on the 4th of September, things aren't as glitzy and glamorous as it should be. While I'm not so afraid that my part of the Ad Hoc will go wrong, I am fearful that the hall will not be decorated as planned... I'm fearful that the programme will not proceed as devised... Then again, i'm also fearful that my gifts to the teachers are delayed in their delivery and production...

I'm afraid we won't live the legacy.

We had only 4 weeks to plan such a massive event. Anything can go awry.

Regret

2009-08-16T00:11:00.001+08:00

I'm starting to regret going for the Beijing immersion trip, because the council has been invited to go for a separate japan trip, which is the same one as SMC I think. Nonotheless, I'd be losing out to an opportunity to get to know my council better... sigh... Even now, the Kyushu Japan trip seems more appealing as I've got 2 guy classmates going, whereas in BIT, the two classmates are girls, which of course would naturally stick to themselves.

An update:
I looked at the form again... And I realised I forgot we'd be seeing the Forbidden City as well!!! Oh wells... If anyone's going to Beijing and is looking for a friend, Find Me!!! =)

A Guide to Becoming the Biggest Loser

2009-08-06T21:08:00.007+08:00

I think it's long overdue that I comment on my incredible weight lost. Not trying to boast, but when I look back at it, it still remains a daunting feat to parallel. All my life I wanted so bad to shed all that fat, but I could never bring myself about to doing it until then. Just to summarise my achievement, I dropped from a staggering 83 kg to 60 kg in a matter of months. To exact it was from the mid of March to the end of October when O levels started. I lost about a total of 23kg, which made Dan tout me as the "Biggest Loser", which comes from a show on Hallmark Channel haha... It's an irony though..

What motivated me to begin on such gruelling task? It began when I experienced at last my awakening; when I finally snapped out of my childishness and immaturity, when I suddenly felt aware of what is going on, when the world looked different through me eyes. It is difficult to explain this strange surge of consciousness because I believe there are some that are born with this and others that never notice it. It is the day you realise, I can change the way I am and I want to be who and who, what and what or be able to do this and this. I was really late. But when I did, I saw the dismal state my body was in. I saw my peers, how they were agile, strong and light footed and they would have fun under the sun with all sorts of games. "Oh I wish I could do that," I retorted to myself. I suddenly felt like I was different, I wasn't normal. I hated myself, yes, I did. I hate... No, I won't... I can do this, I can change how I am... I want to be like them... I want to run... I want to wake up without feeling the huge oppressive force of gravity on my body... I want to talk to people without being afraid that perhaps they would disdain me just because I was fat... I want to live, work and play with energy... I want life in a way I never experienced...

Lesson #1: Be convinced that losing weight is something you want so badly, something that will improve your life. Convince yourself if you have to in anyway possible. An aim without the drive is like a steam engine with out coal.

I quickly picked someone to emulate. Someone to serve a my target... My end point... On top of that, I bought myself my first branded shoes, an Adidas shoe with the word JOGGING imprinted at the sides. Every week, I planned to lose 1kg, which is a very insanely fast rate which I wish I didn't coerce myself to commit to. I was impatient for results.

Lesson #2: Have a goal in mind. Other than numbers, establish a model so that you can better relate to your goals. You paste a poster of your idol on your bedroom wall or just emulate a friend. However, do not get obsessed or go overboard; about a loss of 0.5 kg a week is good enough. Most of all, get something to motivate you to start off.

My diet was strictly self-regulated. I ate only rice with dishes. It was always 2 vegetables and one meat and I would always ask for less rice. At some points when I believed that I was not making enough progress, I even ate no rice, living on the meat and two vegetable dishes alone. Everyday was a self-imposed torture for me. I would feel really hungry, but my goal egged me on. It was not just the strict diet which contributed to my weight loss. I was walking/jogging around the district every alternating day at one point. I soon changed this to walking back home as the O levels neared. I always looked forward to weighing myself when I got home and I thoroughly enjoy the weekly rewards I gave myself for doing well.

Lesson #3: Exercise + Controlled Diet = Fast weight loss. Choose a particular diet (I chose the low carb diet) and exercise regimen, sticking to it with all you willpower and discipline with the end in mind. Reward yourself with every milestone but do not reward yourself everyday.

My patriotic teeth

2009-08-05T18:28:00.002+08:00

It's the calm after the storm...
So calm, I had my dental appointment un-de-scheduled. I got my braces prepared for national day.
I'm going back to school tomorrow. I've got lots to catch up on.

Feeling faint...

2009-08-04T13:30:00.002+08:00

My illness is turning for the worst... At first it was just coughing, sneezing and sore throat, but now my body feels like a ton.
On a side note, I am in the College Welfare subcommittee, my subcom of choice. I hope I can contribute to the college by improving the life of the students. I still remember the umbrellas I had put out during campaigning. I hope we can do that.
Back to bed... snorez...

Under the weather

2009-08-02T23:15:00.003+08:00

I can't breath, I can't smell. My eyes feel like balls of fire yet oxymoronically, they are watering. I feel like I'm wearing a thick jacket. I feel really weak, really vulnerable... I am weak, I am vulnerable...
At time like this, I contemplate my own mortality. I have teetered from extremes to extremes. From what I know, I could have died from rapidly losing so much weight in a process called ketosis. I could have damaged my liver and kidneys without even knowing it. And apparently there are many more consequence. I am already not very fit... I'm struggling to change that...
Then again, maybe dying young isn't as bad as it sounds. To die old is often to die lonely and jaded by the world...
When I ask myself "Is there a life after death?" I never fail to not get an answer. I probably won't find that answer, but logic tells me that the answer is probably no... but really, I don't know... I don't know...

Thanksgiving

2009-07-31T22:43:00.003+08:00

Today was a day of isolation, felt really lonely... But for the sake of everyone else health, I was compliant.
At today's Founder's day Thanksgiving service I receive some book prizes. What I lamented was that I forgot to turn to face the camera for photo shoot AGAIN! The message from the guest of honour, Principal of Singapore Poly Mr Tan, struck me as extremely relevant. He spoke about gratefulness and loyalty, about giving back. I find it hard to be grateful when the experiences are not completely satisfactory. Nonetheless, today I came prepared to recognise the teachers whom had made a difference in my life: Miss Lim, for being unwavering in answering my physics queries; Mrs Tan, for being my choir teacher and for being such an excellent chemistry teacher; Mr Ganesan, for establishing my mathematical proclivity which I depend on so much to lessen my workload; Mr Chan, for instilling my avid interest in biology; Mr Tan, for teaching me PEEL which I still depend on today; Mrs Ly-Ann; for making english language lessons interactive. I came prepared with thank you cards. Today I was honoured, today I honour those who made me what I am.
After we finished singing Miss Lim's birthday song, while part of the class was getting hyped up, I left at the same time as my fellow councillors.

New shoes... New goals

2009-07-29T23:13:00.010+08:00

I bought a new pair of shoes. I'm quite happy because I haggled the price down from $117 to $75. I actually spent quite a long time looking for this pair of shoes, because what I was looking for was the exact same design I was already wearing. Out of sentimental reasons, I could not bear to buy other designs. To my chagrin, I searched every shop, only to find that only two shops sold it: Sportlinks at the top floor of Queensway Shopping Centre and some stall manned by Indians on the first floor, of which I bought the shoe from the latter. My shoes are of the brand Adidas and is coloured in only black and white. What holds the most significance to me is the word "JOGGING" at the sides gilded in gold.

On the left: My old pair of shoes On the right: The new pair of shoes

I never forget the day I made a decision to change the way I was. I will never forget this shoe, which was one of my motivational factors that made me strive for my goal. It was this shoes that saw me through some of my proudest moments, and my greatest blunders. It was in this shoe where I experience so many new things, so many new adventures and met so many people. Even as my current shoe eventually fades into oblivion and is reborn, I am anticipation about what is yet to be.

Senior Junior Interaction: A rite of passage.

2009-07-26T23:26:00.004+08:00

It was a night of fun and games between the 33rds and the 34ths. We did all sorts of crazy things haha. There was a particularly disgusting polo sweet and satay stick game, a hilarious want want riceflour ball game in which Peter Wang(33rd president) looked completely ridiculous, an impromptu charades game and many more. A lot of people were dunked into the pool of the rented bungalow owned by someone's contact. Considering that nearly everyone dipped their feet in the pool, I pity the next person who swims in it.
I bought the halal nasi goreng in the colours red and white. Someone brought yellow pineapple rice. I could not help but wonder why there wasn't someone bringing blue rice.
It was strange how stern faced the 34th could be, of which we the 33rds bore the brunt of during June camp, but today they showed their fun side. In the end, it boils down to rising up to the occasion, being serious when your suppose to, playing hard and working hard at the same time.
Investiture may have been our official appointment, for the school to recognise the 34th as the incoming Students' Council, but SJI was the recognition from our seniors for making it this far and receiving the baton from them.

As the river flows

2009-07-24T19:46:00.001+08:00

This is my first post. I can't describe the surge of relief that engulfed me when I completed this skin. =)
This blog was created in the image of a river, for the mere reason to me, life runs like a river. The course of a river is whimsical; at times a river will burst its banks, at times it meanders peacefully, at times it plunges spectacularly as a wondrous waterfall; much like how our journey as human beings is like: unpredictable. The river represents all ages of life; from its birth, to the youthful rapids, the mellow meanders and to its end at the sea; just as a river ends, my life will slowly, but surely end.
The river is an embodiment of the characteristics I want to emulate. The river is strong; it can carve out the grand canyons. The river brings life and joy, it is reliable; the resplendant valleys, aquatic life and populous cities of the world depend on them. The river is determined; all rivers run to their very end. The river grows; the river becomes wider and more voluminous downstream.
I want to be like the river, which is strong and determine, brings joy and liveliness to others and grows as it journeys.
However, I, as a human, am fundmentally flawed and I am probably further than i can be from this ideality... and as I say this, my school's motto rings a familiar bell... "The Best Is Yet To Be"...